Burn Out In Barcelona
Barcelona is one of my favourite cities. I love the Gaudi architecture, the narrow lanes of the Barri Gotic, the gastronomy of the many restaurant options, and the beaches that spread for miles along the warm Mediterranean coast. However on one visit, instead of enjoying the Hotel Mediterraneo where I was staying, I was experiencing an attack of anxiety and I could not sleep without my mind filling with dread and panic.
It was November 2002 and I had flown to Barcelona from my home in New Zealand to participate in a week-long global task force meeting. It was the second time that year.
I was exhausted from traveling (did I mention yet that Barcelona is on the exact opposite side of the world to New Zealand, a mere 20,000km away?) and I had just finished leading a day of meetings. With the jetlag, I couldn't sleep (did I mention that Barcelona is in the exact opposite time zone to my body?).
As evening approached on the third day I felt a wave of anxiety and panic come over me and thought I was probably dying of a heart attack: tight chest, light-headed, sweating. I contacted a Doctor who assured me my heart was just fine, and that it was most likely an anxiety attack.
I had never experienced anything like this before. My life had almost always been on the go, moving forward, moving up, leading, achieving… I thought I was pretty much invincible. I was wrong.
I was 34 years old, leading a team of about 60 staff, and we had been experiencing incredible growth and expansion. This had meant lots of travel, and my body had decided it was time to remind me that I was human, and that enough was enough.
As I looked back at first in 2002, I thought I had just had a busy trip.
Then I thought - I've actually had a busy year.
Then I realised - it has actually been a busy and stressful several years.
And it had added up. So there I was. Burnt out in Barcelona.
After coming back from Spain I decided I just needed a vacation so I took a long Christmas break. When I returned to lead a staff conference in January, however, I realised something deeper was going on. I couldn't keep going on.
Over the next several months and years I went on a journey of growth. However, being a self made type, I began self-diagnosing at first. (Christians should be able to be victorious, right? I can do all things, right?). I read all I could about burnout, stress and anxiety to try to fix myself, only to come to the conclusion that I needed to reach out and get more qualified input.
So I set up times with counsellors and began several years of deeper and more fruitful growth and development.
One counselor talked about three levels we experience in our lives:
behaviour
thoughts & feelings
beliefs
I found this incredibly helpful.
As part of my “self-diagnosis” I had tried to alter my behaviour, and manage my schedule better. Yet, the solutions were deeper than that, and a counselor helped me process my thoughts and feelings. But it was another counselor, who helped me see that my behaviour thoughts and feelings come from my beliefs. I needed to discover ‘why’ I felt motivated to do the things I did, and this came from beliefs hidden below the surface in the subconscious. So I began to trace my behaviours, thoughts and feelings back to things I subconsciously believed about God, myself and what world, and to replace my false and unhelpful beliefs with truth.
This was liberation. As Jesus said, You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32). I needed to trade my self made beliefs and self talk for what was actually true.
Somewhere along the way I had come to believe a number of unhelpful things. For example, that my acceptance was dependent on my performance, and that life was a popularity contest. I believed that it was my task as a leader to keep everyone happy. These erroneous beliefs led me into all kinds of stress and decisions that were not healthy. Over a long period that takes me to today, I continue to seek to be “transformed by the renewing of my mind’ (Romans 12:2) by believing the truth of what God says about me and the world.
In 2019 I had another opportunity to go back to Barcelona, almost exactly 17 years later. I also happened to be staying at the same Hotel Mediterraneo. I was a little apprehensive about again flying 20,000 km from New Zealand for another week of global meetings. But this time it felt different. The hotel was the same, but I was not. I still had the jetlag and tiredness, but in the intervening years God had helped me to grow as a person and as a leader and I was not living out of the same set of beliefs that had led me to exhaustion and emotional burnout. I am not immune to stress and anxiety now by any stretch, but I was glad to return to the hotel, in that beautiful city, and be thankful for a God who loves me enough to give me His truth, and also for people who’s gifts and skills can help us grow to greater fullness.
Why do I tell share this story in a leadership article?
Over a couple of decades of leading teams I have met many leaders, young and old, who have experienced similar things. Leaders who feel invincible and press on, driven by beliefs and behaviours that then lead to their burning out and stepping out of the game for a while. While there is nothing wrong with stepping out for a while, it's so much better to do this for periods of rest, sabbath, renewal and refreshment - rather than for forced and prolonged periods or struggle and anguish.
One book I read said “if you swim a 100 miles into the ocean, the journey back is not 100 yards”. It is my hope that sharing this story will stop some leaders swimming out into the ocean on their own and coming to the end of their strength. And begin to sink. We can help each other in this! I want to encourage all leaders to embark on the necessary journeys of personal, professional and spiritual growth so they will not just survive, but thrive. The world needs good leaders. Leaders who are healthy, lead healthy teams, and have a positive impact on the world around them.
I want to encourage you - don't go it alone. Reach out for help and encouragement, and together build the toolkit you need for the increasingly complex tasks of leadership.
We are all on our own journey of leadership, so I want to suggest reflecting personally on the questions below and consider if there is anything different that is needed for you now in your journey as a leader. We need leaders who are thriving, not just surviving!
PS - Along the way in Barcelona, I also picked up a love for my two favourite Spanish words - Fiesta and Siesta! These can help a lot too!
Personal Reflection:
Do you feel like your current patterns of behaviour are healthy and sustainable?
How are you doing emotionally? Is your thought life mostly positive or negative?
Can you trace any troubling thoughts or behavior back to incorrect beliefs?
Who can you reach out to for help or encouragement?